Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
