Good for a laugh

I saw these on Facebook and thought they were good to share:

Warning

WARNING TO LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE!!!

You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had

their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years

ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.

It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of

cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to

mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my

life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My arse was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they

took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had

stuck me with earlier. But my new arse was attached at least

three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to

give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One

morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the

flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of

the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was

being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to

me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with

a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the

world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons

are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and

me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',

Look again - was it lifted from you? 

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was

lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of

bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in

my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my

waistband.

P.P.S.   Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!

How do they do that?

Men also have their share of issues after a certain age! (H/T to GJ)

Following instructions

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. 

The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?' 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.' 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Pretentious, moi?

Three dogs met in the park. The first was a beautiful black poodle with a big blue ribbon around its neck, and it said, 

"My name is Fifi, spelled F-I-F-I."

The second was a pretty white poodle with a red satin ribbon around its neck, and it said, 

"My name is Mimi, spelled M-I-M-I."

The third was a dirty old mutt and said, 

"My name is Fido, spelled P-H-Y-D-E-A-U-X."

Colin

Colin was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it".

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Colin says. "President Obama" his boss quickly retorts. "Yes" Colin says "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope".

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who the f***'s that on the balcony with Colin?"

Surreal answers, surreal joke

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine

Quick joke

A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" 

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Ah, music!

The little girl was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of the little girl's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he shouted above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Occupational hazard...

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.

"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said.

The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"

Irony forever

I read this amusing anecdote the other day:

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days. I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip.

"Please don’t tell my parents," she begged.

"I won’t," I promised. "You're 18 now, so I guess it's your choice. By the way, what does that stand for?"

"Honesty." 

Christmas humour

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those 4-wheel drive vehicles?"

"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep???"

Women's purses

I had this post saved as a draft, for a rainy day. Well, it's not raining, but I'm still too excited to do a fresh post! Billy and Sandra sent their thanks for all your good wishes and love.

A husband was trying to embarrass his wife at a party by going on and on about all the stuff women carry in their purses.

Instead of blushing,  she said, “You’re right. There IS too much stuff in my purse.” So she removed his wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and car keys and handed them to him.

When he asked what he was supposed to do with them, she smile sweetly and said, “Get your own purse!"

Taking risks

View sent us this joke. Thanks, View.

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Wovewy widdle girl

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"  As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"  She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

Proceed with caution

A police officer called the station on the phone.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." 

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

Trial by jury

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

                                              ==============

A man being tried for murder, facing the death penalty, happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees. 

The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict.

His friend says, "It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment."

"Why is that?"

"Because they wanted to acquit you!"

                                      ====================

A laugh for the weekend

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.   

The Italian said:  "Last night I massaged my wife all over with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:  "Last night I massaged my wife all over with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said, “That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do, to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Do as you're told!

A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. 

The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, “Get off the couch!” and the dog jumps down immediately. 

A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, “Go to your room!” and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation. 

The guy turns to the parrot and says, “I’ve never seen anything like that before."

The parrot looks at the guy and says, “Get back to work!”

Trying to get into the college football team

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

“Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman.

He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.

“Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass "

What are friends for?

This is a sweet little anecdote...

I came home one day to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked.

Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said.

I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you," came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?"

She wiped her cheeks and said, "Oh I'm okay, I was just helping her cry."