Thursday, 27 February 2014

One for the Canadians

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12
Moved into our new home in Ontario . It is so beautiful here. The
hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is
truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 
Ontario is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on
Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all
of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to
walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They
are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on
Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11
 Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would
want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and
tranquility here in Ontario . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 
It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight:
everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is
magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a
snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the
end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I
love it here!

Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little
trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 
More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in
time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21
More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my
hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around
the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25
White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on
the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And
why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28
It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside
since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't
go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect
another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1
Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the
4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead
actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd
broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some
food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The
hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27
Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow
into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the
front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece
of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

April 23
Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole
underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on
the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10
Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida . I can't imagine
why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God
forsaken Province of Ontario...