Tuesday, 18 March 2014

It's party time!

Today it's our dear View's birthday. I selected some jokes and a cake to celebrate the occasion. It's an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers!

Happy Bird day, View!

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"


A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."


A bounty hunter rode into town one morning and went into the Sheriff's office. "Anyone with a price on his head round these parts?" asked the Bounty Hunter.

"Well," said the Sheriff, "there's a $500 reward, dead or alive, for the Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?!" Exclaimed the Bounty Hunter. "Who in tarnation is the Brown Paper Kid?"

"He's a varmint who wears a hat made from brown paper," replied the Sheriff. "His coat is made from brown paper. His shirts are made from brown paper. He wears pants made from brown paper and his boots are made from brown paper."

"Well," says the Bounty Hunter, "and what's he wanted for?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's wanted for rustling".


At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Prince Stone had this enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths - moths of all kinds.

When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby.

"Why is that, father?", inquired the prince.

"Because", replied the old man, "A ruling Stone gathers no moths!"


The other day I was carrying a little box of small, shiny discs to sew onto my suit for the carnival. As I was going through the kitchen, I dropped the box spilling its contents.

My wife was putting away dishes. She slipped on the shiny discs causing her to fall and break all of our plates.

Our dog got so scared by the clatter he ran out the door and onto the street. A car passing by almost hit my dog. At the last second it veered. This caused the driver to lose control and he hit a tree in our front yard, knocking it over onto our house.

It was a strange sequins of events.


In the early 1900's, The Hellman's Mayonnaise company was based in England. In fact, several cases of it were loaded on the Titanic for her maiden voyage. They were to be off loaded at the second port of call, Vera Cruz, Mexico.

We all know what happened to the Titanic, and why the Mexicans celebrate Sinko de Mayo.