Monday, 3 February 2014

A wonderful example of aplomb

I hope the fun of this story is not lost in translation...

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson” said his Lordship.

"I was reading an article in The Times and came across a word I am not too clear about."

"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord .... but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the his Lordship, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening his thumb was so painful, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my lord, I did observe everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, is your prick still throbbing?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!"

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Evolution of a portrait

The last two pictures are selfies... and not a fish in sight! [Only a trout pout...]


Saturday, 1 February 2014

Just groan and bear it

View kindly sent us a whole list of groaners... Thanks, View.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

This picture is not part of View's list, but it goes really well with it!


Friday, 31 January 2014

Disgustingly hilarious

CC sent us this video. Be careful when still a bit groggy in the morning... Thanks, CC.