One man's treasure...

Once upon a time, there was a very rich kingdom where the food was famously bland. They had gold and precious stones, but the food was terrible.

A farmer heard about this kingdom and had a clever idea. He filled his largest cart with onions and set off for the rich kingdom of bland food.

The king was puzzled by these strange bulbs, but when the farmer prepared a dish using the wonder ingredient and served it to the king and his advisers, they were delighted. The king wanted all the onions and ordered the farmer's cart to be filled with gold.

The farmer went away very happy and on his way back to his farm, he had already devised a plan to get even richer. He harvested all his garlic, filled the cart again and returned to the rich kingdom of not so bland food.

Once there, he prepared a dish using this new ingredient and served it to the king and his advisers. Their reaction was of pure joy! They told the farmer he would be rewarded and retired to another room to discuss it. The onions were worth a cart full of gold, but the garlic was worth even more!

They told the farmer so, and informed him that his cart was now loaded with their most valuable possessions. The farmer headed to his cart, dreaming of diamonds and precious stones, wishing he had a larger cart.

When he arrived at the king's yard, he found his cart full of onions...

Reading is fun

This is very cute!

O sleep! O gentle sleep!

I'm having trouble going to sleep. One leg jumps, my nose makes an annoying fiiin-fonn noise, I have to get up to pee, random hard-to-scratch places itch, you name it. So I decided to laugh about it...

Give us a job - Now with transcript

The conversation below is very funny, but the language is quite colourful and you'll need to listen to it a few times, as he Scottish accent is almost impenetrable.

I was in two minds about posting it because of the language, but Peter talked me into it... He said you all like a good laugh and a challenge!



Here's the transcript. It's not word perfect, but it should make it easier to follow the dialogue:

- Good morning, this is Manpower, Carol speaking, how can I help you?

- Alright doll, I'm looking for a job.

- Okey dokey, what kind of job you're looking for?

- Anything, really, just something to f***g keep the wolves from the door.

- (laugh) You have wolves at your door?

- Aye.

- Ah love... what's you name?

­- Bob.

- Bob?

- Bob Clapperton.

- Bob... sorry I missed that.

- Clapperton.

- Clapperton?

- Aye.

- Cla-per-ton. What's your telephone number?

- I'm not telling you, you'll phone us back.

- Well, if you want a job, then I need it.

- I can no hand my phone number to just f***g anybody, like. I just want a job, not a f***g relationship or nothing, ken*?

- I know, I'm not asking you to enter that kind of area of a personal relationship with me, but you know, it would be really helpful.

- Can I no just get a job from ya?

- What? You just phone up and get a job?

- Aye.

- No. It kinda doesn't work like that.

- What do I need to do to get a job?

- Oh, first of all, I need to take your number, then I need to pass it on to the recruitment consultant that would be able to look into what kind of work you're looking for, then he's gonna phone you, then gets you here, then register you, then we get you a job.

- Do I need to go for interviews and all (?) that's a pain in the arse as it is, I just want a job.

- Oh, I know you just want a job, but you really need to come for an interview with us first.

- F**k, s**t, you (?) another company just to get a job? That's a waste of f***g time, no?

- Well, it's entirely up to yourself.

- Well, do you have any jobs or no, that's all I'm asking you.

- Yes, we have jobs.

- Can I get it?

- No, you can't get one over the phone.

- Why the f**k no?

- Because it just doesn't work that way.

- Jesus Christ! Oh f**k, it's a job getting a job in itself, is it no?

- Kinda is like that nowadays.

- Now, hold on, I just want one. For f**k's sake, I'm not greedy.

- Oh, I know you're not greedy, and to get one or to get ten, you still have to come out to the office and register with us.

- I'd rather not do that.

- You don't know whether you'd do that?

- No, I'd rather no do that.

- Then we'd rather not give you the job, because then we can no give jobs to people we haven't met, haven't vetted, haven't referenced.

- Do you do criminal records checks or no?

- No.

- That's alright then, I'd been f***d if you've done that. (laugh)

- (laugh) Now, are you coming to see us or no? Are you going to give me your number or no?

- I can no give you my number 'cause you'll phone us back, that's what I say, I just want a f***g job.

- We can no give you a job without a number.

- F**k. I'll just carry on signing on then.

- (laugh) Just give me your number, ah, oh, honest to God I'll no phone you back till we get... tell you what, I'll book you in so you can come up and register and that's it, but I still need a number.

- We'll you can make an appointment for us, but make sure it's in the afternoon because I like to sleep all morning.

-Well, then, I'm no sure we'll be able to find you a job.

- I can do the night shift, though.

- I got night shift, bloody hell, I'm crying out for night shift!

- Well, I'll do that then.

-Then you need to give me your number.

- I can no give you my number, though, because I can no f***g remember it.

- That's just not on.

- What about I phone you back. I find out the number and I'll phone you back.

- You phone back, then, but the person you need to speak to, his name is Alan.

- Alan?

- Alan, ask for Alan.

- Alright. What's your name?

- Carol.

- I'm going to report you because you've been cheeky to me, so.

- I have no been cheeky to you! (laugh)

- Ok, I'll phone back and speak to Alan later on, but I'm no giving him my number either, so.

- You no give him your number?

- No.

- Then he'll no give you a job.

- So, all I need to do is give a phone number and you give me a job? It's as easy as that?

- No, I just explained. You need to phone up, you need to speak to Alan, he'll take your number, then he'll get you booked in, then you meet Alan, then he'll give you an interview and run over what kind of work you've done before and then he'll give you a job, as long as we get clean references for you and not before that time.

- You'll get no references. I've been self-employed on the night shift all my life.

- What have you been doing?

- Burgling.

- Burgling? Then, then, then, really, obviously we can no get a reference for that, no really, you have no chance of you getting a job.

- So I'm f***d then, That's what you're saying?

- I'm not saying you're f***d exactly, but if you don't give that information, do you know?

- Aah... ah, f**k it, I'll just carry on burgling. Cheers for your help anyway.

- No bother at all. Bye. (laugh)

[*Ken is used in Scotland to mean "understand."]

Time for some jokes

It's been a while since we had jokes. These are short and sweet:

A barber, a bald man and an absent minded professor take a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets restless, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me."

*****

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?"

Little Johnny raises his hand: "It's a dick, Miss Jones!" 

The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.

In a minute the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now? Which one of you brought Miss Jones to tears? And who the hell drew that dick on the blackboard?"

*****

Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No tomatoes.