Saturday, 16 March 2013

Out of the mouths of children



A woman was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As she was reeling from the shock, the woman heard her 4-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

******

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

******

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, a woman used to take her 5-year-old son on her afternoon rounds. He was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day the woman found the little boy staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As she braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions, the boy merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

******

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


Friday, 15 March 2013

A very quick post

I'm feeling a little bit delicate today. We had a very good time with friends yesterday: Great food and perhaps too many of the usual conversation lubricants on the side...




Thursday, 14 March 2013

Arriving home drunk

Here we have two jokes about arriving home inebriated, one featuring a woman, courtesy of Mrsgunka, and the other about a man, sent in by View_From_Here. Thank you for the laughs, MrsG and View.


The other night I was invited out for a night with " the girls. " I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, " I promise! " 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. 

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,  the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem upset at all. Whew! Got away with that one! 

Then he said, " We need a new cuckoo clock. " 

When I asked him why, he said, " Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,  then said, " Oh sh*t! ", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. 



*********

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Don't tell me!


A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.


'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...


'At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.


'When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'


Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Unnecessary things



The accumulation of various niggly bits and pieces over the years made me think of some serious design faults in the human body.

Who needs:

1) Bunions
2) Ingrown toenails
3) Frizzy hair
4) Mouth ulcers
5) Zits

and above all, what the hell are hemorrhoids for???

Monday, 11 March 2013

One word for each photo

Spike sent me a large collection of photos with the title "One Word Essays." I selected the ones depicting children, but will leave the one word essay to each of you...

Thank you, Spike.








Sunday, 10 March 2013

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Cats speaking French...

ManxMamma sent us this delightful video:



There are loads of other videos by the same guy and they're very funny.

Thank you, ManxMamma.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Beauty

Mrsgunka sent us this really well made video. I had a good time trying to anticipate the next face as it morphed. Thank you, MrsG.



The video about the queen is also quite interesting.

Monday, 4 March 2013

What would you change?

Peter and I were chatting the other day and we wondered what we would change in ourselves. Peter opted for chunkier legs. I was more ambitious and selected perfect complexion, obedient hair and less exuberant ears.

We know we can't (or won't) change any of these things...

They say our ears keep on growing throughout our lives. Looking at this photo and considering it's nearly 60 years old, one of these days I'll start flapping my ears and fly out of the window!


Sunday, 3 March 2013

Magic

View_From_Here sent us this joke:

An Italian and an Irishman entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Irishman stole 3 chocolate bars.


As they left the store, the Irishman said to the Italian, "Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

Italian replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Italian said to the shopkeeper, "Do you want to see magic?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Yes."

The Italian said, "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Italian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.


The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Italian replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

Thank you, View.



Saturday, 2 March 2013

Keeping things going (despite the server)

I tried to prepare a post this morning but the server has been acting up since yesterday... Then we had to go shopping in Tulle, which took all afternoon. I'm posting this quickly before I lose the connection again!




Friday, 1 March 2013

A visit to the vet

Tumbleweed requested a picture of Pirouette's visit to the vet. There she is, in Olivier's arms...


Thursday, 28 February 2013

Unorthodox treatment...

Mrsgunka sent us this joke:

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.


The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Thank you, MrsG.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Bird lover


This guy is a bird lover like us...

Trevor Maltby took this photo upon returning to his car after leaving it at the Cairns International Airport in Australia for six days while away on business. The photo, taken on Feb. 19, features a small bird, a nest and tiny eggs, all perilously perched atop the back window wiper blade of an Audi hatchback.


Maltby told us about the discovery. "At first I thought it was just trying to 'blend in,' then I noticed it looked like it was trying to make a nest. As I got closer it appeared it was not about to fly away. I called over a colleague who had just arrived on the same flight and got him to come have a look. ... I took a picture of it sitting there, then we both tried to give it a bit of a hurry up—we could basically pet it if we wanted too—and my colleague put his hand right up to it's face, and that's when it raised its wings and exposed those eggs."

Maltby spent an hour on the phone with wildlife officials. They confirmed that the bird was a native peaceful dove. "They are known for nesting in awkward places," Maltby said. He was told he could either ask somebody to come down and "relocate the nest" or he could leave the car there and wait for the eggs to hatch.

Being the good guy that he is, Maltby offered to leave his car and got a ride home. "The next day I got a call from the airport to say that the wildlife officials had come and removed the nest as its location was deemed to be far from ideal, and that I could come and collect my car. The eggs have been taken to an incubator and the mother was unable to be caught and taken with them, though they figured she would probably lay again in the very near future."

Monday, 25 February 2013

Funnies

View_From_Here sent me some funny stuff, which is always welcome... Thanks, View.