Role reversal

Garden snakes can be dangerous!

View sent us this important warning tale. 

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud screams.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

[Story by Trey Preston]

They didn't get their own bedrooms..

When the Smith family moved into their new bigger house, a visiting grandparent asked four-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.

“It’s great,” he said. “Now I have my own room, Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still stuck with dad.”

The Mommy Test - Hahahahahahaha!

Epic girls night out

View sent us this joke. Thanks for the laugh, View!

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. 
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however 
they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi 
Breezers. 

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to 
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought 
she would take off her panties and use them. 

 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive 
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. 

 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave 
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she 
proceeded to wipe with that. 

 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to 
go home. 

 

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, 
so he phoned the other husband and said: 

"These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" 

 

"That's nothing," said the other husband, 
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that 
said..... 

 

'From all of us at the Fire Station. 
We'll never forget you.' " 

We know a certain family that wouldn't be able to cope with this gadget...

Topical joke

Old people....

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they had shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you Sally!’

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, and not knowing what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money: “$50,000.00!”

Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’ 

Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’ She put the money back in the bag and hid it in the attic.

The next day, the FBI was canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money. They knocked on the door. ‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’

Sally said, ‘No.’
Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’
Sally said, “Don’t listen to him, he’s getting senile.’

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’

Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...’

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’

Posh car dealership

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots a beautiful top-of-the-line one and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. 

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" 

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" 

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." 

Questions, questions...

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" 

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". 

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" 

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers. 

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" 

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." 

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?" 

"Yes son?" 

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

I heard it through the grapevine...

GrannyJ sent us this joke. Thanks, GJ, it's very funny (and appropriate for this blog)!

A glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep. NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not..... Clare Valley  vintners in  South Australia,  which primarily produce   Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot  Grigio wines,   have  developed a new hybrid grape   that  acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number  of trips   older  people have to make to the  bathroom during the night. The new  wine will be marketed as...        PINO MORE

Hmmmm... Say what?

A college student was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, he spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. He was ready.

The morning of the test, he entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

The poor student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the professor. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, he turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as the student was about to walk out the door, the professor shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

The furious student turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, professor! You tell me!"

Last full day in Miami

I'm flying back home tomorrow... Time flies when you're having fun, and a lot of fun I had with my wonderful family and our lovely CC. I missed Peter and the cats, can't wait to hug them all. Here's an Irish joke to keep us smiling:

Laughing is good for you!

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The letter:

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The reply:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

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One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

******************************************************************************************

Three explorers became lost in the jungle in a remote island and wandered for days with no food and little water. One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

Parboiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50

They struggled in, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter, "have you ever tried to clean one of those suckers?"

Witty old men and a Zen contribution from a wise woman...

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. They were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he smiled smuggly. A moment later, the second man said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat, turned to his wife and confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

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GrannyJ sent us these clever "Zen" pearls of wisdom. Thank you, GJ!

1.   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.  

2.   Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

  

3.   No one is listening until you pass wind.

4.   Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

  

5.   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  

6.   If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

  

7.   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

  

8.   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  

9.   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  

10.     If you lend someone 20 bucks and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 
  
11.      If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

  

12.       Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

  

13.       Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

  

14.       Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

  

15.   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

  

16.      There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

  

17.   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.   When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid.

 

Quick thinking

Perfect for the job

Tax questions

GrannyJ sent us this joke, which is even funnier because it's that time of the year, when people are beginning to worry about their tax returns... Thank you, GJ.

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks,"what's your occupation?"

"I'm a lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

"The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

Why make such a fuss?

Doctor! Doctor!

GrannyJ sent us this joke and while looking for pictures to illustrate it, I found some funny cartoons, so I decided to do a doctor post with the whole lot. Thank you for the joke, GJ.

I NEARLY BECAME A DOCTOR…..

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. 

The rest of us are just sending jokes via email.

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