Joke with a painful punchline

Saying goodbye to mother

Mrsgunka sent us this joke. Thank you, MrsG.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

Good joke with a political commentary post-script

Mrsgunka sent us a joke that works really well with or without the post-script. Thank you, MrsG.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young ‘pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup
pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but
one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it  couldn't ring. 

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

PS - Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election, and remember... you can't always hear the bells!

[I find it quite disturbing that Australians voted for and got a tea party style government. The madness seems to be spreading!]

Three funnies from three great ladies

Lynn, Queen of Sheeba and Amy sent us some funny bits. Thank you, gals!

Starting with Lynn, here's a funny take on a famous meme:

Then we have Queen of  Sheeba' contribution to the hall of groaners:

Amy's contribution contains some health advice:

Interview with a 101-year-old lady

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss
I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case
of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink
Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick.

Have a great day!

The rugged outdoor woman

View should enjoy this one...

Sister Mary Katherine

View sent us this very funny joke. Thanks, View!

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

 

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

 

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

 

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

 

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

 

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here." 

Where are your glasses???

GrannyJ sent us this wicked joke. Thanks, GJ.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Lately, talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied,  "Are you nuts?  You are 82 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses??? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet. I think she fainted.

Explaining the human lifespan

This joke was sent in by Hunnybee (Bubbles) a long time ago, for one of the open threads on the old blog. I decided to give it another airing...


One day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the next day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

Then God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the humans said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

...

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family... For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

The little detective

This joke came from MrsG. It's another good one, thanks!

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are.
You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'

Quick thinking and a birthday! UPDATED

View sent us a joke and dedicated it to our Canadian friends. Thanks, View.

A man in a Washington supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' 

'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked. 

 The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' 

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

****************

Irishgirl's birthday dodged the list carefully compiled by GrannyJ, but Sleuth got the cat out of the bag and I had to order some cakes at very short notice!

Here's a good reason to move on from having 21st birthdays:

Finally, a celebration is a good time to remember this affliction:

Happy birthday, dear Irishgirl!

50 shades of funny

View sent us the joke and I found the dog picture elsewhere. 50 big thank yous, View.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"I've been here since last night...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sexy black nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So I did, and here I am!"

***********

This one is for Dublin:

Acute senses

Today we have a joke sent to us by mrsgunka. Thank you, MrsG.

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around, right?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Southern funnies

View sent us this joke and I saw the other one on Facebook. Thanks, View.

A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed that if he could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes,  just pondering the question. The Alabama students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

***************

Southern extremes

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

A very good explanation

Little Reggie was a terror and had not been invited to any birthday parties for a whole year. When a new family moved to town, he received an invitation to the little girl's birthday party.

Reggie's mom lectured him from the moment the invitation arrived until she dropped him at the party.

"It's your last chance, Reggie! If you disgrace yourself this time, we might as well move to another town. None of the other mothers speaks to me anymore! Are you listening to me? You HAVE to behave yourself today! Now you go in and be a good boy. Show everybody how much you have changed."

When she returned home, the phone was ringing. It was Reggie asking to be picked up. She saw red!

Reggie was waiting outside the house and his mom shouted for him to get in the car and not say a word. "You're in big trouble, young man!"

He attempted to say something, but she wouldn't hear it. "Don't talk to me, Reggie. Just wait until your father gets back from golf and you can talk to him! I've had enough!"

Reggie was sent straight to his room to wait for his father, who arrived hours later. His wife greeted him:

"You need to talk to Reggie! He misbehaved at a party again. He lasted five minutes this time! You deal with him and tell him we can't have this kind of thing anymore. Enough is enough! I don't know what to do with this boy!"

The father went upstairs and found Reggie dozing off, fully dressed, on top of the bedcover.

"Reggie, wake up. Your mother tells me your were very naughty again. What do you have to say for yourself?"

The little boy yawned, rubbed his eyes and said:

"The party is tomorrow, Dad."

****************************************************************************

HAPPY REAL BIRTHDAY, SPIKE! Your party was quite something last night, eh? I'm glad everybody had such a good time and hope you've enjoyed yourself. Have a great day!

Miraculous strength and a heart of gold

Mrsgunka sent us this funny video and a wicked joke. Thank you, MrsG.



************

If you think lawyers don't have heart, read the best lawyer story of all time... bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?’

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again…

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Priorities...

GrannyJ sent us this very funny joke. Thanks, GJ, I'm still chuckling...

A man woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor came in and said, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groaned, but the doctor went on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perked up.

"So," the doctor said, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agreed to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor came back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," said the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" said the man.

"What is your decision?" asked the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

A day at the races

View sent us this excellent joke and he thought Amy would like it... Thanks, View.

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
                         

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race."

[My laptop is playing up and won't let me upload photos to the blog. The blogger application on the iPad is very limited, so I can't format the post properly. I'm a bit anal about the look of the posts and I'm not a happy bunny!]

With age comes wisdom.

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Jack because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Jack and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?

He said, "Jack snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, you look awful!" He said, "That Jack shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older guy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jack into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Jack sat up and watched me all night."