Sunday, 9 February 2014

Pet therapy

There are anti-depressants without side effects! Take six without any fear of an overdose:







Saturday, 8 February 2014

The things we manage to do online

We may not know what most of the people here look or sound like. We may not be able to touch each other physically. But we're able to do a lot together and remain close even when there are disagreements. That's what friendship is, regardless of how people get together... I feel very lucky to have this place and hope you feel the same.


Friday, 7 February 2014

You're on the wrong floor!

We went to see our doctor yesterday, the conversation strayed into poo territory and I told her this joke. I thought she was going to wet herself...

A man got into the elevator of a medical center holding a clear plastic bag containing a gigantic poo and asked the operator for the 8th floor. The operator was horrified and said, "You want the 3rd floor, that's the floor for the lab." The guy said, "No, I want the eye doctor on the 8th floor."


The operator didn't want to engage the man in a long argument, so he took the elevator straight to the 8th floor to get rid of him quickly. As the man entered the ophthalmologist's office, the receptionist spotted the enormous poo and said, "You made a mistake, the lab is on the 3rd floor!" Again, the man said he didn't want the lab, he wanted the eye doctor.

Looking at the crowded waiting room and taking pity on the other patients, she buzzed him straight in, telling him to be quick.

When the door opened, the doctor took one look at the humongous poo and shouted, "You're mistaken, the lab is on another floor!" The man said he didn't want the lab, the problem was with his eyes. The doctor was baffled and asked, "What could possibly be wrong with your eyes?"

"Well doc, every time I do one of these," he said, pointing at the massive poo," my eyes fill with water..."


Thursday, 6 February 2014

Painting the picture of the picture

I don't know if these two paintings are by the same person, but if not, the artists definitely had similar ideas...



Wednesday, 5 February 2014

An alternative to looking at cloud shapes

These drawings are by a Brazilian cartoonist. Popcorn shapes are a cool alternative to
cloud spotting...


Monday, 3 February 2014

A wonderful example of aplomb

I hope the fun of this story is not lost in translation...

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson” said his Lordship.

"I was reading an article in The Times and came across a word I am not too clear about."

"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord .... but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the his Lordship, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening his thumb was so painful, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my lord, I did observe everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, is your prick still throbbing?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!"

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Evolution of a portrait

The last two pictures are selfies... and not a fish in sight! [Only a trout pout...]


Saturday, 1 February 2014

Just groan and bear it

View kindly sent us a whole list of groaners... Thanks, View.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

This picture is not part of View's list, but it goes really well with it!


Friday, 31 January 2014

Disgustingly hilarious

CC sent us this video. Be careful when still a bit groggy in the morning... Thanks, CC.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

A joke to make Mrsgunka groan...

This joke was sent to us by View, of course! Thanks, View. Mrsgunka will appreciate it...

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Cute little guy in a hurry

Amy sent us this video of an incredibly cute baby elephant. Thank you, Amy.

Monday, 27 January 2014

A very long time without sex

GrannyJ sent us this great joke. Thanks, GJ.


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. 

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(love military time)

********************

[The real ad in yesterday's post was #3.]

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Funny ad competition

Here are six ads. Five are fake and one is real. Can you pick the genuine among the spoofs?







Saturday, 25 January 2014

Some Canadian weather funnies

Mrsgunka sent us some funny pictures. GrannyJ already posted the top two in yesterday's thread.



Here are the best of the rest. Thank you, Mrg and GJ.






Friday, 24 January 2014

A reassuring little post

These two photos make things a bit better... (even if not true!) The second picture was sent to us by 1smartcanerican. Thank you, 1sc.





Thursday, 23 January 2014

Laws of nature

View sent us this hilarious list. Thanks, View, some of them made me cry I laughed so much!


Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.