View_From_Here sent me this hilarious collection of "new condoms."
If advertisers took the slogans from famous brands and applied them to condom packages this is what they would look like. Each slogan gets a whole new meaning...
Thank you, View.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Well, isn't that precious?
Here's a lovely joke, courtesy of Mrsgunka:
Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'?"
Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'?"
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
Labels:
funnies
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Eating in Paris
Yay! I'm back from Paris, with my sister. The whole idea was to meet her there and come back together because last time she had to stay a day and a night in Paris before catching the train and had to do everything alone, including eating, not the nicest thing in the world. Some of our plans were revised. We decided that we had already seen the sites and been to all the museums on several previous occasions, so we focused on being silly together and having a gastronomic experience. We went to the Polidor on the first night and it was very enjoyable.
On the second day we went to Quartier Latin to explore the second-hand bookshops and had a look at the menus around the place. After reading at least a hundred different menus, we were confused and slightly disappointed because the vast majority of the restaurants were tourist traps, serving mediocre food as "cuisine française traditionnelle." But in the process of vetting the restaurants, our taste buds were tickled by the prospect of eating moules.
Our hotel was in Montparnasse, where there are many seafood restaurants, so we headed back to that neck of the woods, refreshed ourselves at the hotel and went out in search of our beloved mussels. I don't know if we were word blind after reading so many menus, but none of the restaurants appeared to have moules as a main course. The poshest of the lot had huge flatscreens instead of printed menus and we never managed to read everything before the page changed. We stood there waiting for the screen that interested us to return and again didn't managed to read everything and so on and so forth. Of course we were laughing like idiots all the while, but when we spotted moules on the main course menu, we decided to go in.
A combination of factors conspired to put us through a very bizarre experience. My sister had forgotten to change her shoes and was wearing sneakers. We read their menu too many times. We laughed too much. Etc, etc, etc. The minute we set foot inside the restaurant, a swarm of waiters descended on us and we were informed that they had no tables and we had to sit at what they called the oyster bar. It was a high circular counter, with extremely high stools around it. We're both very short, with corresponding short legs and had great difficulty scaling such heights, especially while having fits of laughter. But we made it and the rudeness champion of the world handed us an i-pad showing the menu in German. After a while we managed to change the language to French and located our mussels, which, as part of the conspiracy to make us look bad, was the cheapest item on the entire menu. The waiter's contempt for us was palpable. We were alone in the dog house, where we could see several empty tables in the three adjoining rooms through the tanks full of handsome lobsters. We should have left at this point, but the promise of some nice, fresh mussels with lovely sauce stopped us. They arrived, plentiful, in very hot cauldron type receptacles, without any sauce whatsoever. We started eating and they weren't too bad, but quite salty. The waiter gave as glance and asked if they were ok. My sister said they were a bit salty and he dismissed her comment: "You just have to drink more."
We finished eating, he cleared the counter and handed us the i-pad again. The desserts were pretentious, very expensive and somewhat obscure, so we handed the i-pad back and asked for the bill. We paid and resisted the temptation to blow our noses in their immaculate napkins before we left to have delicious desserts in a very nice, friendly restaurant across the road.
I described this experience in detail because it was the most memorable and funny. In all the other restaurants we were treated with respect and had delicious food, as expected...
On the second day we went to Quartier Latin to explore the second-hand bookshops and had a look at the menus around the place. After reading at least a hundred different menus, we were confused and slightly disappointed because the vast majority of the restaurants were tourist traps, serving mediocre food as "cuisine française traditionnelle." But in the process of vetting the restaurants, our taste buds were tickled by the prospect of eating moules.
Our hotel was in Montparnasse, where there are many seafood restaurants, so we headed back to that neck of the woods, refreshed ourselves at the hotel and went out in search of our beloved mussels. I don't know if we were word blind after reading so many menus, but none of the restaurants appeared to have moules as a main course. The poshest of the lot had huge flatscreens instead of printed menus and we never managed to read everything before the page changed. We stood there waiting for the screen that interested us to return and again didn't managed to read everything and so on and so forth. Of course we were laughing like idiots all the while, but when we spotted moules on the main course menu, we decided to go in.
![]() |
| Best avoided! |
A combination of factors conspired to put us through a very bizarre experience. My sister had forgotten to change her shoes and was wearing sneakers. We read their menu too many times. We laughed too much. Etc, etc, etc. The minute we set foot inside the restaurant, a swarm of waiters descended on us and we were informed that they had no tables and we had to sit at what they called the oyster bar. It was a high circular counter, with extremely high stools around it. We're both very short, with corresponding short legs and had great difficulty scaling such heights, especially while having fits of laughter. But we made it and the rudeness champion of the world handed us an i-pad showing the menu in German. After a while we managed to change the language to French and located our mussels, which, as part of the conspiracy to make us look bad, was the cheapest item on the entire menu. The waiter's contempt for us was palpable. We were alone in the dog house, where we could see several empty tables in the three adjoining rooms through the tanks full of handsome lobsters. We should have left at this point, but the promise of some nice, fresh mussels with lovely sauce stopped us. They arrived, plentiful, in very hot cauldron type receptacles, without any sauce whatsoever. We started eating and they weren't too bad, but quite salty. The waiter gave as glance and asked if they were ok. My sister said they were a bit salty and he dismissed her comment: "You just have to drink more."
We finished eating, he cleared the counter and handed us the i-pad again. The desserts were pretentious, very expensive and somewhat obscure, so we handed the i-pad back and asked for the bill. We paid and resisted the temptation to blow our noses in their immaculate napkins before we left to have delicious desserts in a very nice, friendly restaurant across the road.
I described this experience in detail because it was the most memorable and funny. In all the other restaurants we were treated with respect and had delicious food, as expected...
Labels:
travel
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
That's when the fight started...
All these little jokes have the same punchline: "That's when the fight started..."
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
*****
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?
"No," she answered.
I then said "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
*****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
*****
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
*****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
*****
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?
"No," she answered.
I then said "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
*****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
*****
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
*****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Labels:
funnies
Monday, 7 May 2012
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Paris!
I'm off to Paris tomorrow to meet my sister. I left some posts ready and scheduled as I won't be around until Thursday. I hope there aren't any glitches with the scheduling. It has been erratic since blogger changed their interface, so if the posts don't appear, don't panic, just continue to chat on whatever post is there!
This is some coincidence, but Austin has just sent me this spectacular photo of the Eiffel Tower against the Super Moon:
We'll see the sites and explore a few restaurants.
À bientôt!
This is some coincidence, but Austin has just sent me this spectacular photo of the Eiffel Tower against the Super Moon:
We'll see the sites and explore a few restaurants.
À bientôt!
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Friday, 4 May 2012
The pond
An anonymous reader sent me this funny story:
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligators.”
Some old men can still think fast...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligators.”
Some old men can still think fast...
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Perfect timing
A nice little tale from Mrsgunka (no, it wasn't her at Starbucks):
I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel a lot better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod …
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel a lot better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod …
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
The blonde wins...
View_From_Here sent me this delightful blonde joke with a difference...
A blonde city girl marries a North Dakota rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, ok?"
The rancher leaves for the fields.... After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,
"Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently...
Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
"And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on...."
Thank you, View.
A blonde city girl marries a North Dakota rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, ok?"
The rancher leaves for the fields.... After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,
"Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently...
Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
"And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on...."
Thank you, View.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
I hope you'll enjoy it
We haven't had music for a while. This is an old favourite of mine:
Labels:
music
Monday, 30 April 2012
Not guilty!
Pirouette destroyed all our houseplants. She could have used the same excuse as her canine counterpart...
Labels:
pets
Sunday, 29 April 2012
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