I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it’s on the same side of the street. I don’t have to cross the road.
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
That's when the fight started...
All these little jokes have the same punchline: "That's when the fight started..."
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
*****
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?
"No," she answered.
I then said "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
*****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
*****
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
*****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
*****
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?
"No," she answered.
I then said "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
*****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
*****
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
*****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Labels:
funnies
Monday, 7 May 2012
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Paris!
I'm off to Paris tomorrow to meet my sister. I left some posts ready and scheduled as I won't be around until Thursday. I hope there aren't any glitches with the scheduling. It has been erratic since blogger changed their interface, so if the posts don't appear, don't panic, just continue to chat on whatever post is there!
This is some coincidence, but Austin has just sent me this spectacular photo of the Eiffel Tower against the Super Moon:
We'll see the sites and explore a few restaurants.
À bientôt!
This is some coincidence, but Austin has just sent me this spectacular photo of the Eiffel Tower against the Super Moon:
We'll see the sites and explore a few restaurants.
À bientôt!
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Friday, 4 May 2012
The pond
An anonymous reader sent me this funny story:
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligators.”
Some old men can still think fast...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligators.”
Some old men can still think fast...
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Perfect timing
A nice little tale from Mrsgunka (no, it wasn't her at Starbucks):
I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel a lot better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod …
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel a lot better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod …
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
The blonde wins...
View_From_Here sent me this delightful blonde joke with a difference...
A blonde city girl marries a North Dakota rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, ok?"
The rancher leaves for the fields.... After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,
"Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently...
Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
"And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on...."
Thank you, View.
A blonde city girl marries a North Dakota rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, ok?"
The rancher leaves for the fields.... After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,
"Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently...
Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
"And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on...."
Thank you, View.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
I hope you'll enjoy it
We haven't had music for a while. This is an old favourite of mine:
Labels:
music
Monday, 30 April 2012
Not guilty!
Pirouette destroyed all our houseplants. She could have used the same excuse as her canine counterpart...
Labels:
pets
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Friday, 27 April 2012
Thursday, 26 April 2012
The storm
MD sent me this dramatic story of a forbidden liaison. Thank you, MD.
They were together in the house.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance... and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.
Suddenly, with a loud crack, the power went out..... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his powerful arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...
They could only catch glimpses of each other through the scary lightening.
She trembled in his arms.
They could only catch glimpses of each other through the scary lightening.
She trembled in his arms.
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand... So consumed were
they in their FEAR that they heard no opening
of doors... just the faint click of a camera.....
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Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Logic
Mrsgunka sent me this fine example of male logic:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
Monday, 23 April 2012
It makes sense...
View_From_here sent me an interesting story:
Start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana. Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat him up. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and this is why, from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
Thank you, View.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana. Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat him up. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and this is why, from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
Thank you, View.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Cats and dogs - Aww...
Mrsgunka sent me a lovely collection of photos. The subject line was "Every cat should have a dog." Well, every dog should have a cat, it works either way!
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
I would also like to wish Stryker a speedy recovery.
Thank you, Mrsgunka.
I would also like to wish Stryker a speedy recovery.
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