Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Pac frog

Let's start the new year with a little funny video...

Friday, 30 December 2011

Lovely snow

Spike sent me this hilarious account of a guy's love affair with the snow. Thank you, Spike.


DIARY OF AN IOWA SNOW SHOVELER


December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here to Iowa was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snow plow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plow.

December 25

Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snow plow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Still laughing

I think we had enough Christmas and holiday themed posts, so let's have a laugh. View_From_Here sent me this joke:

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.


As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on there as long as you can.”

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided splint and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.

That night, in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful,untouched breasts. She said: “Olof... you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis, Lena ... still in DA CRATE!”

Thank you, View.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Playing with words


TempestNVA sent me these. Puns can make you cringe, but these are quite clever! Thank you, Tempest.


To all you Lexophiles .... (those who love words)

- Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

- Fish in schools sometimes take debate.

- The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

- It seems Professor Buck's earthquake theory is on shaky ground.

- Batteries were given out free of charge.

- After the dentist and manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail.

- A chess tournament occupied all the hotel's conference rooms. Between matches, players stood around the foyer bragging about their victories. This eventually got on the manager's nerves. "Go away!", he shouted. "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

- A will is a dead giveaway.

- After the parents refused to pay the exorcist, their daughter was repossessed.

- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

- A boiled egg is hard to beat.

- After you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

- The man who fell onto an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- Another fell into a lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

- His photographic memory was never fully developed.

- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

- Acupuncture: a jab well done


Two cures for excessive punning:

- Medical -- performing an apundectomy
- Legal -- a sentence in a punitentiary.

Monday, 19 December 2011

"Carefully" placed stickers

View_From_Here sent me these very funny examples of carelessly placed stickers:













Thank you, View, they're hilarious.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Getting into the Christmas spirit

Tumbleweed sent me this touching Christmas story:

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said:

"Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"



His wife said crying:

"Yes! I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."

*****

Mrsgunka sent me some seasonal cartoons:









And a video of some very fancy Christmas lights:



Thank you, Tumbleweed and Mrsgunka.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Women drivers

Our friend Tom (in Thailand) sent me this joke:


This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily... but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cellphone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs!

It splashed and burned Big Peter and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

You may remember Tom from an old open thread, when he sent me this photo of an amazing sunrise:


Thank you, Tom.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Santa's secret is out

Our Tumbleweed is not over enthusiastic about Christmas, but has a fine sense of fun. She sent me this video:



Thank you, Tumbleweed.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Uh-oh

View_From_Here sent me this video, the latest in a very good series of ads.



I've been meaning to share this other video with you:



Both ads are being shown on British TV at the moment.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Christmas lights - The sequel

Mrsgunka sent me another creative effort regarding Christmas lights:

Monday, 5 December 2011

Christmas lights


Not everybody gets carried away with the Christmas spirit... Mrsgunka sent me this very touching letter from a contrite husband:


Hi Sweetheart,

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.

I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed-guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season and Christmas. Nothing brightens spirits like Christmas lights!

I took the time to hang the lights for you today.

Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.

Be home later.

Love you……
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Saturday, 3 December 2011

Cellphone mischief

Hunnybee sent me this funny video because the guy's accent reminded her of our Austin...




Thank you, Hunnybee.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

The cuckoo clock

Somebody sent me this joke, but the e-mail address didn't ring any bells, so I have no username to give a hat tip. Thank you, R/M D, this is very funny!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!”

Monday, 28 November 2011

How to make babies

Mrsgunka brings us another good laugh:


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me... I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away...'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted...

Thank you, Mrsgunka!

Sunday, 27 November 2011

If pigs could fly...

My friend Dominique sent me this sweet video and I had to share it with you. After all, we're partial to cute piggies...

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Bored husband

View_From_Here sent me a very funny e-mail:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.


Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


Thank you, View.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Men and their imaginative ideas

Mrsgunka sent me a load of photos that show men at their most creative. The last picture prompted mrsgunka to ask: "Is that Austin on the cooler-scooter?" It must be the cowboy hat...





















Thank you, Mrsgunka.